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Saturday, January 21, 2012

tears flowing

After coming home from Honduras, I had an acquaintance ask me about my trip, which led to more questions about my family, and even more questions about my life in general. Inevitably, the question "what happened in your life to inspire you to adopt and help others the way that you do?" My answer: "I walked alongside a birthmother with my first two adoptions, it wrecked me. my heart ached for those women like it has NEVER ached before. The blinders were removed from my eyes, and I haven't seen life the same since."

I have spoken multiple times on domestic adoption. It TRULY holds half of my heart. I will NEVER be the same. It truly changed my life forever.

Josie has strep throat. She was up earlier than the rest of the crew this morning. As I snuggled up on the couch beside her, with coffee in hand, I opened my laptop and THIS is what I read:

I am a birthmom. I became a birthmom to save my sons life. My fiance put me in the hospital when I was four months pregnant with broken bones and a concussion. I had bruises around my neck from where he tried to strangle me. He told the police he would have killed me. He wanted me dead. I was thrown into a table, into walls, into the floor. While pregnant. With his son. He had no doubt the child was his (he said as much), he just didn't like the fact my doctors appointment took longer (in his mind) than it should have.

This was a man who had custody of two other children from his prior relationship. Full custody.

This was a man when he went to court on domestic violence charges was told by the judge "This is your SIXTH domestic assault charge- perhaps you should CONSIDER anger management classes". No conviction, no charges, just told to CONSIDER anger management classes. I didn't know of the five others before me... I just knew then I wasn't his first, and I wouldn't be his last. I got on a plane the next day and flew to another part of the US.

I placed my son for adoption through a closed adoption to protect my son. He told me at the court hearing that he would see my son taken from me as he had taken his other two. With his history of violence now known to me, I wasn't willing to risk it.

I gave birth thousands of miles from any friends and any family. I placed my son in the arms of his new mother, who I only knew by her first name. I signed the papers, and left the hospital when discharged. I burned all the adoption documents, all the hospital papers, all the hospital mementos, etc just in case he ever managed to track me down. There are no pictures of me with my son. I have no pictures of him. If I close my eyes, I can still remember his face...

I don't know where they are from. I don't know where he is today. I don't know what he looks like. I don't know how he's doing. I don't know if he enjoys fire trucks or police men. I know nothing... as you mentioned, I don't even know if he's alive or not.

I do think of him daily. I do wonder if I made the right decision. The choice I made DOES tear me apart. It still breaks my heart even though it's been close to a decade since I said goodbye...

There are women just like this one ALL over the world. These women are willing to make the MOST sacrificial decision of their life, because their love for their child is so deep.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Joshua 1:5
No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

1 Kings 8:57
May the LORD our God be with us as he was with our ancestors; may he never leave us nor forsake us.

Psalm 94:14
For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance.

These are just a few of the verses that remind us that HE will NEVER leave us or forsake us in the bible. I pray that all of the women that are living through circumstances like the one above will cling to these promises so they will not feel alone and despair.

In the meantime, what are YOU doing to love these women through these hard times?


Kim said...

Such a beautiful reminder of the incredible sacrifice involved in adoption, thank you for this today!

missy said...

thank you for sharing this. i need to respond to this in ACTION and in truth.

Dawn said...

Your post could have been written by my mother. I was that child that placed for adoption. I can testify and so can my first mom... God does not forget his own. I met my first mom and we talked... and she told me she trusted God... because she heard Him. And after meeting me she knew His word was true. My life was not perfect. My adoptive family was far from perfect.. and so I am far from perfect. But now as a wife of 39 years and a bio mom to two and an adoptive mom to 5... I trust Him at His word (even with 2 grown adoptive daughters who are far from HIM and us who also love them). I trust that I will be able to say on that day when I stand before HIM, "Here am I and the children YOU have given me". Great is our God and greatly to be praised!


Bubbalouba said...

IN THE NAME OF JESUS, May our Heavenly Father just come down and wrap His arms around you and strengthen you and uphold you with His righteous right hand! May He whisper words of encouragement to keep pressing on! Your group is a powerful example of the "Good Samaritan" in Luke 10! The Good Samaritan's compassion was active-- demonstrative! May the Lord touch everyone's heart that reads this blog to ACT and show Compassion on all the Lord brings into our paths! God bless you Suzanne indeed!

Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama said...

What an absolutely heartbreaking story. Praise God she had the courage to make such a difficult and brave decision.
I work with teen moms and right now am counseling a 14 year old who gave her baby to loving adoptive parents a year ago, January 1st (when she was 13 years old). The courage and strength that took at such a young age amazes me and I thank God every day for the opportunity to love this sweet and hurting girl. Birth moms are amazing to me, absolutely amazing. They choose life, abundant life for their babies. What a gift!

Kim said...

Great reminder. Thanks Suzanne.

Unknown said...

Amen, sister, a thousand times over. We have four birthmothers among five children that forever hold a piece of my heart. Their grief and sacrifice changed my life, and the lives of my children. Their faith in God's ability to do what they could not awakened me to the Father Heart of God. What a blessing to walk this journey.


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I am a lover of Jesus. I have the most fabulous husband that anyone woman could ask for. The Lord has blessed us with 7 beautiful children. I started this blog so that friends and family could follow our trip to Uganda to visit Katie Davis. I have decided to keep blogging to help bring orphan awareness to the world around me.
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