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Sunday, November 6, 2011

heartbreak



There have been 3 times in my life that I felt that my heart was truly broken…not just heartache, the kind of pain where I could hardly breathe and I felt as though I was going to die. My heart hurt so bad, that I felt like I would never recover. Domestic adoption opened my heart and eyes to not only a child in need, but the heart of a mother. Through our adoptions I fell in love with my birth moms. I couldn’t help but think about my bio children. I would NEVER give them up. NO WAY, it would be my VERY LAST RESORT. I would have to know WITHOUT doubt, that my children would not survive if I kept them with me. As I looked into their beautiful brown eyes, I saw myself. They were just like me, just dealt a different hand at life. They had no hope, and no one for support. All alone. Their mothers heart was the same. They LOVED deeply. Not only to give their child up…but not knowing where they might end up…in the state system or with a family?

A few years later, JosieLoves birth mom was walking down a red dirt road. I cant help but wonder what she was thinking. Had she recovered from her delivery? How did she know that her child needed medical care? Was it her droopy eyes? Was she so ill that she couldn’t care for her baby? I cannot fathom laying my child on the steps of the hospital steps, walking away from my child, NEVER to see them again. A mother, just like me, SAME mother’s heart. After she left, did her milk come in? Did she have a reminder DAILY of the decision that she made that would FOREVER break her heart? Six years later, is she wondering “did I do the right thing?” is she even still alive? A mother’s heart…just like mine.

I had NO IDEA when we started the paperwork for a domestic adoption 6 years ago, that my life would be WRECKED. My heart would ache more than I ever knew was possible. The scripture Proverbs 24:12 would ring in my ears for the rest of my life. “Once you have seen, you cannot pretend that you do not know. For the Father that knows your every thought, KNOWS that you KNOW! “

How can I not help? How can I not do everything possible to help these birth moms that have NO choice but to give their child away? I HAVE to educate, I HAVE to share what I have seen and how my heart hurts. I have to call on HIM to sustain me and give me grace. I have to realize that not everyone has seen what I have seen.

If I could have one wish, it would be this: I could take my heart out and let every “believer” FEEL what my heart feels. If you could just FEEL and KNOW what I do about Christ’s heart for these widows and orphans. There would NOT be 147 MILLION orphans in the world. You would be WRECKED for the less fortunate the same way that I am and my sweet Savior is.


11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know these feelings all too well. I am fiercely protective of my children's birth mothers b/c I love them & my heart, too, has been wrecked. I think it was actually your blog that convicted me to single mothers being our modern day widows, which led us to our Kendi Hope last year.

Blessings ~ Dardi
www.hope4thewounded.blogspot.com

emily said...

Well said my friend, so well said.

Kim said...

Beautifully written!

mrs.stinnett said...

Thank you so much for sharing what God is doing in you For those of us who have not seen yet are sooo seeking His heart!

Miraclemomma said...

Amen and amen ... we have completed three domestic adoptions through the foster care system. When I began fostering I was adamant that I was going to rescue those poor babies from their wicked parents but my heart was quickly shaken and God showed me how wrong I was.
I realize now that no one, NO ONE, grows up thinking,"I want to be a drug addict or a prostitute or mentally ill and homeless". No mother can ever want to give up their child ... no matter how hopeless your life or how deep in addiction you are, I cannot believe that any mother can lose a child and not have her soul diminished and her heart broken.
I kept asking the case managers what was being done for the mothers and for all the women who were at risk for falling into that life style ... the reply I got was that they could be helped if they asked for help. I was appalled, how do you ask for something that you don't even know exists. I have been pondering what I, and more importantly my loving Savior, can do to give hope and support for children and their mothers to remain together. So far I have no idea .. what do I know as a privileged, blessed woman, what can I offer to women with no hope and no chances?
When you find your mission to the mothers please let me know ... I want to help and I want them to know Jesus and to have the opportunity to love and care for their children in the same way that I take so much for granted. God bless you and guide you.
Janice

Desiree said...

I think of my son's mother daily. When people ask me how she could have abandoned him? I wan't to say how can we abandon them? We are far more privileged. And far more educated....yet we in our culture of "me"....we don't move and do a thing. It is sick. The questions should not be how could they? The real question is why am I not doing more?

Anonymous said...

Oh! thank you for this! I needed to hear this today!

Andrea

Anonymous said...

Have you see these?
http://www.dorcaswidows.org/
and the blog,
http://divinestories-kari.blogspot.com/
Regards,
A. Nielsen

Anonymous said...

Suzanne. You do not have to post this but one of the mothers posted a comment wanting to know how to help the mothers. This may seem radical and even I dismissed this at first because it didn't seem "safe". A sweet friend of mine here in Texas visits strip clubs and street corners. She ministers and loves on the women who have seemed to lose their way. She helps them in anyway to be able to keep their kids and make a better life for them. She helps them work with the system (CPS and Medicaid) and even takes their kids in if she needs to. All the while she has her own two kids with great needs; they live off her husband's minister's salary; and she somehow has time to travel and preach to women and college students. I'm sorry for being long winded. Her and I just talked about all this last week so it was fresh on my heart. Thanks for listening!

Andrea (Murphy)

LuongFamily said...

Beautifully written. God's heart breaks for orphans and widows. He sees every single tear they cry. But I think what is more heartbreaking is that Christians don't think it's their job to step up and do anything about it.
"Break my heart for what breaks Yours..."

Ann said...

I am a birthmom. I became a birthmom to save my sons life. My fiance put me in the hospital when I was four months pregnant with broken bones and a concussion. I had bruises around my neck from where he tried to strangle me. He told the police he would have killed me. He wanted me dead. I was thrown into a table, into walls, into the floor. While pregnant. With his son. He had no doubt the child was his (he said as much), he just didn't like the fact my doctors appointment took longer (in his mind) than it should have.

This was a man who had custody of two other children from his prior relationship. Full custody.

This was a man when he went to court on domestic violence charges was told by the judge "This is your SIXTH domestic assault charge- perhaps you should CONSIDER anger management classes". No conviction, no charges, just told to CONSIDER anger management classes. I didn't know of the five others before me... I just knew then I wasn't his first, and I wouldn't be his last. I got on a plane the next day and flew to another part of the US.

I placed my son for adoption through a closed adoption to protect my son. He told me at the court hearing that he would see my son taken from me as he had taken his other two. With his history of violence now known to me, I wasn't willing to risk it.

I gave birth thousands of miles from any friends and any family. I placed my son in the arms of his new mother, who I only knew by her first name. I signed the papers, and left the hospital when discharged. I burned all the adoption documents, all the hospital papers, all the hospital mementos, etc just in case he ever managed to track me down. There are no pictures of me with my son. I have no pictures of him. If I close my eyes, I can still remember his face...

I don't know where they are from. I don't know where he is today. I don't know what he looks like. I don't know how he's doing. I don't know if he enjoys fire trucks or police men. I know nothing... as you mentioned, I don't even know if he's alive or not.

I do think of him daily. I do wonder if I made the right decision. The choice I made DOES tear me apart. It still breaks my heart even though it's been close to a decade since I said goodbye...

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suzanne
I am a lover of Jesus. I have the most fabulous husband that anyone woman could ask for. The Lord has blessed us with 7 beautiful children. I started this blog so that friends and family could follow our trip to Uganda to visit Katie Davis. I have decided to keep blogging to help bring orphan awareness to the world around me.
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