While Katie was home we were talking about November being "orphan awareness month". Her response was "there is a month reminding people that there are orphans??!" the look on her face showed that she was SOOOO perplexed. It was a sad reality for me that we have to have a special "Orphan Sunday" for believers to acknowledge all of the orphans in the world.

This past week Facebook and Twitter have been blowing up with "thankfulness." I can't help but think back to my conversation with Katie and think "it has to be a holiday for us to share how thankful that we are?!?"

In my Jesus Calling this week she talks about how we CHOOSE to be thankful. We should choose to be thankful each and every day. EVEN THOUGH each and every day might be difficult. I LOVE the holidays. I LOVE to build a fire, snuggle on the couch, and for each and every one of my little chickens to be gathered in my hen house. BUT, being at home each and every day is HARD. It is exhausting. My kitchen stays a mess from everybody eating constantly, my laundry is overflowing out of my laundry room, and my older ones go to bed WAY late, and my little ones get up WAY early. The holidays leave this mama WEARY.

We don't have to act like it is all bliss. Christ wants it to be hard, so we rely on HIM. In my weariness, I am SO thankful. I wouldn't trade these dark circles under my eyes for a fresh face and wide opened eyes. Most days I CHOOSE to be thankful. Feeling thankful doesn't come easy when my four year old is screaming, I'm giving Josie Love her meds, breaking up arguments between my two middle girls...I CHOOSE to be thankful.

If I give thanks regardless of my feelings, then HE will give me joy regardless of my circumstances. Finding JOY in the hard isnt always easy, it is still JOYFUL, and for THAT I am THANKFUL.

There have been 3 times in my life that I felt that my heart was truly broken…not just heartache, the kind of pain where I could hardly breathe and I felt as though I was going to die. My heart hurt so bad, that I felt like I would never recover. Domestic adoption opened my heart and eyes to not only a child in need, but the heart of a mother. Through our adoptions I fell in love with my birth moms. I couldn’t help but think about my bio children. I would NEVER give them up. NO WAY, it would be my VERY LAST RESORT. I would have to know WITHOUT doubt, that my children would not survive if I kept them with me. As I looked into their beautiful brown eyes, I saw myself. They were just like me, just dealt a different hand at life. They had no hope, and no one for support. All alone. Their mothers heart was the same. They LOVED deeply. Not only to give their child up…but not knowing where they might end up…in the state system or with a family?

A few years later, JosieLoves birth mom was walking down a red dirt road. I cant help but wonder what she was thinking. Had she recovered from her delivery? How did she know that her child needed medical care? Was it her droopy eyes? Was she so ill that she couldn’t care for her baby? I cannot fathom laying my child on the steps of the hospital steps, walking away from my child, NEVER to see them again. A mother, just like me, SAME mother’s heart. After she left, did her milk come in? Did she have a reminder DAILY of the decision that she made that would FOREVER break her heart? Six years later, is she wondering “did I do the right thing?” is she even still alive? A mother’s heart…just like mine.

I had NO IDEA when we started the paperwork for a domestic adoption 6 years ago, that my life would be WRECKED. My heart would ache more than I ever knew was possible. The scripture Proverbs 24:12 would ring in my ears for the rest of my life. “Once you have seen, you cannot pretend that you do not know. For the Father that knows your every thought, KNOWS that you KNOW! “

How can I not help? How can I not do everything possible to help these birth moms that have NO choice but to give their child away? I HAVE to educate, I HAVE to share what I have seen and how my heart hurts. I have to call on HIM to sustain me and give me grace. I have to realize that not everyone has seen what I have seen.

If I could have one wish, it would be this: I could take my heart out and let every “believer” FEEL what my heart feels. If you could just FEEL and KNOW what I do about Christ’s heart for these widows and orphans. There would NOT be 147 MILLION orphans in the world. You would be WRECKED for the less fortunate the same way that I am and my sweet Savior is.