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Saturday, September 1, 2012

a different season/different emotions

I AM STILL ALIVE!  After going to Uganda, mama had to take a break from life and just lay on the couch with my youngins' playing games, reading books, and watching TV.  Time out for my two middles to watch their newest flips in gymnastics, and the late night talks and games to attend for my oldest two, and last but not least my sweet hubby:)

Preparation for school set in and I am still not finished with all of the "parent nights" at school.  This is the first time in 16 years that I have not had a preschooler at home.  I thought that once my kids got in school, there would be LOADS of time to organize, bake, etc...haha..not so.

 Being in Uganda left my heart feeling empty and desperate to come home and take a closer look at my children that I have through adoption.  As i looked into the eyes of the children in the baby's homes, i couldn't help but see the emptiness in their eyes, which led straight to their hearts.  My heart was broken for them and my head kept leading back to my house in Nashville.  While my children's eyes are not hollow, there is a part of their hearts that still isn't whole, and I can't help but wonder if it ever will be.  My boys I have had since birth.  The only thing they know is my heart and my home.  I know their heartbreak  will come later.  It just will, it is inevitable.  Until then, Mike and I will be on our knees.  Our prayer will be that HE will fill their hearts with his peace and love instead of the abandonment that could very easily creep in.  While it breaks me to think of the future and what we will be dealing with, I am forced to deal with the broken heart at hand, MY SWEET JOSIE LOVE.

Josie will turn SEVEN in February.  It is so hard to believe.  We will forever be dealing with the stigma that is attached to HIV/AIDS.  There have been many children with HIV adopted through Josie's story.  While it brings a smile to my face, it also feels my heart with sadness.  Many of the families that have gone to bring these children home are not willing to disclose that their children are positive.  While I COMPLETELY understand the fear that accompanies what your child might endure because of the virus ( I feel the fear also, thankfully, Christ carries that burden on my behalf)  If we are not willing to walk the journey and bring light to the darkness that accompanies it, then Christ is not glorified in the capacity that HE could be.  Which in the end, just adds more stigma.  This is a VERY controversial subject, one that I really struggle with deep down.  The past several years I have encouraged these adoptions and maybe haven't done my due diligence in preparing hearts on how to deal with life and not fear once you get these children home.  It saddens my heart.  It makes life harder with Josie because there are MANY "positive" children in the US now, sitting in the infectious disease doctors all over the nation, not willing to take a bold stand on behalf of these children and educate  others on the virus.  If their parents are not willing to educate, encourage, and enable then who will be their advocates?  WHy not just hand it over to Christ and walk in the light?  No lies, no secrets, just living our your faith walk that HE has given you to show who HE really is, each and every day.  is it hard? YES.  Does it make you more dependent on Him? YES.  Does it free your family up to live out LOUD the journey that HE has given you? YES.  Does it release you from the fear that satan  has you bound in? YES.  Does it make my heart ache that fear overrides Christ? ABSOLUTELY.

I have been so focused on getting Josie Love walking, talking, and healthy that there hasn't been a need to think about her heart.  We had to get her "living" before we could focus on anything else.    As she has matured and is interacting with more people and living life normally, and as i look deeper into her soul, she is a broken little girl.  The negligence in her life the first three years has left cracks that only Christ can fill.  Mike and I  spent time with a counselor last week trying to "unpack" her past and future and I was left with a heavy heart.  The first few years of her life are TOTALLY blank.  To go back and   try to fill in the cracks feels totally overwhelming.  BUT, we will and HE will.

Many people go into the adoption process not understanding the depth of heartbreak that it will leave. (hence the disruptions)  MOST people have no idea how broken these children are on the inside because the outside looks "normal."  I PROMISE you, if you do not deal with abandonment issues once coming home, you WILL deal with them at some point.  IT IS PART of the adoption process.  Your child might be 18, but at some point, you will HAVE to unpack that part of their heart that is closed.  IT is NOT for the faint at heart, it is HARD, will be HARD, and makes your heart feel SO heavy that it is suffocating.

SO, what to do?  pray.  pray each and every day for Christ to enter into their hearts NOW.  That while they are too young to grasp HIM, they will FEEL HIM in a mighty way.  That RIGHT NOW, HE will fill their hearts with peace that you can NEVER do as a mom or dad.  These children are broken on the inside (EVERY ONE OF THEM)  and HE has to intercede on our behalves because we will NEVER be enough.

Join me in praying for all of these children.  Pray for all of the people that are in "process" of adoption, that they KNOW what they are getting into...that it is HARD.  (maybe not in the beginning but at some point it will be)  and last but not least,  pray for my heart so that if one more person asks me if adoption is a "fad" that i don't punch them right in the face.




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suzanne
I am a lover of Jesus. I have the most fabulous husband that anyone woman could ask for. The Lord has blessed us with 7 beautiful children. I started this blog so that friends and family could follow our trip to Uganda to visit Katie Davis. I have decided to keep blogging to help bring orphan awareness to the world around me.
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